Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Mind.

There's something really scary about the human mind.
It's that thoughts can go from 0-100 real quick.
It's that sometimes the human themselves can't control it.
It's that it can fall sick but no antibodies can fight it.

The more I think that I'm finally done, that I finally get comfort again,
the more I lose it, the more uncomfortable I feel.
I just want to be happy, stress-free, worry-free.
I just want to be me.
But no.
What did I do to deserve all this?
Maybe I'm just shit afterall.

I guess things never got better.
I still have thoughts of wishing to die. I just don't want to wake up for another tomorrow anymore. I don't see any point in it, its all meaningless to me.
Every day I hold and suppress back all the shitty feelings I feel that I legit have to clench a fist, scratch myself or pinch myself.
Every night when I close my eyes, I get scenes flashing by of ways to die. Fall from a building? Get hit by a car? Killed by a robber? Gunshot through the head? Jumping? Cutting? Getting extremely sick?

I don't want anymore tomorrows.
I'm done.

I guess the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

//








shzexian.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Hole in the chest.

I guess I finally realised that
I was pushing people away because I didn't want to be the one that got pushed away.
The more I start to hate myself, the more I feel that nobody is gonna approve of me too.

I feel trapped and empty.
I feel like I'm not worth it.
I feel like whatever I do is just dumb as hell.
I feel like I'm drifting away from people.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
I dont want to feel anymore.

I guess you know you're at your end when you don't feel comfortable being in your own skin, when you don't feel comfortable around the people you're closest with, when you don't feel comfortable at home, when you don't feel comfortable being around.

I keep thinking about all the dumb things I do in a day. All the wrong attempts in trying to talk to people. I think about how I really make no sense when people just shoot down my attempts in making a conversation and I think about how stupid I get when people say I'm not suitable to play a game or when people don't take my opinions seriously. Or when I accidentally say something wrong and people give me a face.

People make mistakes. But I guess my mistakes were too dumb to understand. I guess intelligence matters alot in this world. And I guess I can't live up to it. 

I always make the biggest effort to understand people as who they are, understand why they have these kind of thoughts, understand why they can't understand certain things. But all I've ever got back was people questioning me and telling me I'm wrong, judging me for who I am, then when I try to change, judging me for who I'm trying to be. People are never satisfied and I know they will never be. So I guess it's my fault for trying so hard to please everyone.

I guess its my fault.
Again.
It always is.

But what's the wrong in trying to make everyone satisfied and pleased?
I guess this is.
You end up failing yourself.

And most of the time I think I'm not as nice as people think I am, I'm not as nice as I think I am, I'm not nice. I'm not some angel either.
Expectations have killed me one too many times.
You don't have to tell me you're disappointed, I already know you are.

//








And this is why my screams for help never work.
Because the whole world will then tell me,
"You just think too much."

Shzexian.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Suffocating.

What do you do with the monsters that live inside you?
Cause honestly lately, its really getting out of hand.

I find myself having to hold back my feelings a lot lately.
Pressing lips.
Clenching teeth.
Deep heavy breathing.
Scratching myself.
Hitting myself.
Screaming internally loudly.
I honestly think its a problem, and it's my problem.
I'm cautious about it and I'm trying hard to control everything cause I know nobody deserves to take all this negativity inside me.
People don't need extra negativity in life. Nobody does.

And with being cautious about this, it makes me think about everything I do and say in a day and wonder whether anybody might get hurt or offended or might just think that I'm shitty.
I honestly don't know whether it's me thinking too much, thinking myself into a bad mood or its true.
Should I trust my sixth sense or should I not?
I wish people could tell me if I've been acting stupid.
I want people to tell me how I make them feel.
Cause all this guessing is driving me insane.

And when people ask me not to care, I really cant.
Cause its me being me.
I care a shit ton about anyone that has the slightest connection to me, not to mention close friends and the people I'm around everyday.


What is wrong with me.
Why am I so shitty lol.

//



They say don't tell your stories out loud,
but that's what makes the truth.

shzexian.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Please.

All I've felt this summer holiday is just so unlike myself.
I guess sometimes the more time you have nothing to do, the more you think, the more crappy thoughts you have, the worse your mood becomes, the worse your behaviour turns out to be.
I need a place to feel comfortable at, I really do.
I need a place to put away my facade.
I need a place where I can say whatever I want without worries.
or maybe I just need to not have to feel again.

Lately,
every night before I fall asleep,
I realise that the only thoughts that come to my mind are what would happen if I just didnt wake up the next day?
Or should I leave messages lying around for people just in case?
Or scenes just float up in my mind and I imagine.
I no longer know how to put these feelings into words.
And I really don't know how to talk about it.
Or who I should go to.

I honestly dont think anyone would understand,
but I really just need someone that would.

maybe before I crash and burn.




shzexian.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Escape.

I guess in the end I came back. 
I needed a place where I could just express how I feel. 
My great escape.

//

To jump straight to the point,
I'm tired. 
Really really tired.
Of life.
Of living.

I really just lost all motivation in life. I feel damn disappointed everyday. I wanna make a change all the time but nothing is working. I thought friends could help, I thought talking to someone would help. But I guess it didn't or I should say I didn't even manage to talk about it.

I find myself thinking about dying everyday. It's like my goal is just to wait for the day I'm done with life's duties. And I anticipate it, I wish it would come faster and I wish it would be tomorrow. I'm not suicidal, I wont kill myself, I just wish that my time was up. Or I would willingly give it to someone that is worthy of it more, someone that would put it to good use.

I've achieved nothing and failed in so many things. I've said I wanna volunteer, I wanna help out but most of it just turns to nothing. There's really nothing that I can put myself to use, sometimes I feel like I'm just wasting oxygen sticking around.

Lately I've been in this really distracted and angry mood. At myself, at some random driver on the road, at things that don't go as plan. But I don't show it, I just give an internal scream and say I'm okay, just forget about it. Sometimes I think holding it in makes things worse, but most of the time saying it out creates problems too. So I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I really don't know.

I dont find comfort anywhere anymore. 
I feel lost, I feel like I'm all jumbled up in a mess just like how my writing in this post is.
I'm really done, really really.

What
Why
How.

//









I guess this is the only place I'll get to say it without being slashed at.
Shzexian.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Au Revoir.

9 years,
post #582.

I know that it has been long, but I've never realised that it has already been almost 9 years since I started this blog. I've written about so many things, from feelings and emotions to literally just how my day was. I started off from a post a day to now maybe only a post a month. And I guess its time.

This would be the place where I would come back to see how my life used to be, to relive some memories in the stories I've written about how my day was, to know how I felt about some things and how I've gotten over it when at that moment it seemed like it was the end.

I'm gonna miss this place where I pour my heart out when I have nowhere else to go, where I write without worries or fear.

My life has been a series of ups and downs, with more downs than ups hahaha.
I've disappointed myself one too many times and well, I need to stop.

I can do thisss.

To all of you reading this and those that have followed my blog,
I wish you guys all the best! There's nothing too hard to do in this world and the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. You can do this!

::::


And to remember the people I'll always be thankful for,


for filling my last year of highschool with so much laughter and company.


for being like family, impromptu lunch dates, badminton, jokes and just laughter all the way.


for picking me up when I'm down, for the company and for always being there.


for all those long talks back in the days and hugs that patches together the broken pieces.


::::

















Dont worry, you'll be alright.
Shzexian.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Sometimes.

Nobody gets hurt by people they don't care about.
Yes we don't get to choose whether we get hurt in this world but we do have some say in who hurts us. I let you hurt me, and so I probably should take full responsibility of my moodless days and the tears I try so hard to keep from rolling out.

Thats why I've been hiding.
I don't want anyone to know i'm not alright.

::::

Sometimes I wonder,
What if one day I lose all these people that matter so much to me?
What if one day the people that I talk to everyday suddenly just stopped talking?
What if one day everyone decided to walk out?

I feel scared at all these thoughts and so I try my best to hold on to everything as tightly as I can.
But you know what they say, that sometimes the more you care about something, the easier it is for you to lose it.

At times I wish,
That I would be the one to leave first.
Leave this world, this place we breathe air.
To not be a burden to anyone.
To not have to be in anyone's way.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't even born in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder why give me life?

At times, sometimes,
I wonder, I wish.

Always,
it hurt.

::::

In my 20 years of life,
I've only cared for 2 people so much to the extent that I would cry because of them. I would feel sad when they're sad, and I would be happy when they're happy.
But lately, I don't know,
it seems like I'm not a part of their lives anymore.

Please.
Don't go.

::::













I just want to feel like I'm wanted.
Is that too much to ask?
Shzexian.