Monday, June 4, 2018


Maybe in life, what matters most is that at the end of the day, when you're trapped in your thoughts the most, when all your worries get to you and you need some help or someone to talk to, and you have that someone, who is willing to listen whole-heartedly and who knows how you are and what to say.

Maybe everyone has that someone, or more than a someone.

But why do I find it hard to find that someone? When I scroll through my list of chats and I cant bring myself to start a convo.

It used to be so easy. I used to be able to share my stories. I could put trust in people that I trusted.

What happened? Did I lock myself up too much? Or did those someone(s) just have other someones instead?

Growing up is mentally abusing, at least for me. When you can't really voice out your thoughts even at home. When your feelings, thoughts, ambitions or even just mere ideas get beaten down the moment you bring it up. You feel like there's no support but they will always want you to achieve great things. When you get bullied but you cant say a word, when you feel sad but you can only hide under your covers.

I needed a guide to lead me somewhere, at least I would know which is the right path to follow. But I never got it. It was just blur visions and a dim light. Trying to live up to everyone's expectations, I could only follow what I see and of course always letting peer pressure get to me. But do I really want it? Am I really ready for it? I don't know.

I continue walking through this forest of fear, stumbling, falling, but trying to be strong. I forgot what happiness is. I forgot that my happiness meant something. I forgot to put myself first because I knew if I did I wouldnt be able to be something someone can be proud of.

I was so focused on trying to be something someone else wanted but I forgot to think about what I truly wanted that would push me forward and that I would brave waves for. Everything thus fell short.

I dont think I'll be able to be something that someone is proud of anymore.
I used to be but I dont think I am anymore.

What happened to me?
What do I want?
Why can't I speak anymore?



Thursday, March 15, 2018

Self love?

People ask me why I don't say what I feel or why I keep things in and hide whenever I dont feel okay.
But tell me how can I when the people I think are closest to me joke about what goes on in a person's mind.
It's like I already know how people are gonna react, I know what they're gonna say.
So why bother?
Why put myself through more pain?

Dont tell me that I disappointed you or that I've wasted your time all these while.
I really didn't mean to.
I really don't know how.


People always say that you should love yourself even more. They say that self-love is the most important thing and you should put yourself before others.
They ask me why don't I love myself?

And then I wonder what is self-love? Cause I don't remember the one time I ever put love on myself. Where every decision of mine was based on other people's feelings first.
It's so much easier to put your love in other people when you were never used to receiving them in the first place.

Maybe my surroundings have taught me that I wasn't lovable too.
Like how I was never anybody's first choice, like how when meeting new people my friends always get the attention first, like how I know that the reason some people include me is because they want my friends to come too.
I know the world is realistic but I never thought that it'll hurt this much.
And then people will ask you why you do this to yourself?
Honestly I don't know, its just me, I guess i'm the problem.

Sometimes it's hard to open up cause I know the people around me well, I know what they'll say, I know what they think.
The thing is I dont need someone to scold me or someone to give me advice.
I just need someone who listens.

Someone who listens.


Here we go again.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

What if one day it all ended?

Have you ever felt the need to know what you mean to others?
To know if you're worth something, to know if people actually need you around?

Cause lately I really don't know what I am, what I mean, who's with me.


Don't feel too much into things, I tell myself this same sentence all the time, everytime.
Brush it off, go to bed and wake up with an empty mind to start the day.
It works most of the time till when you actually need someone to help, you need some company or you just want to talk about random simple things you went through in the day and you find yourself wondering who?

I guess we all have our own lists in our mind.
Who to go to when we're happy, when we're sad, when we're mad or even when we just want to say something stupid.
We all have lists because we know how different people take things differently, we know how different people would react differently and we know who would understand and who wouldn't.

Sometimes it's sad how you grow distant from someone who used to be so close, who knew everything about you and you knew everything about them. Where chats would last till 4am in the morning with instant replies still going on. Phones calls for hours till your ears hurt and your phone overheats. Distance and time never mattered then.

And how now it takes forever to finish a story or how replies come slower than mail. We understand that the other has their life, troubles and are busy so we never really say anything to stop it all. I guess  those long conversations had become a habit, a part of us so we never really wanted it to end cause it would feel like something is missing. At least now our name still pops up on each others phone every now and then. You know i'm here and I know you're there.

I really hope you're doing well.

I really hope everyone is doing well.


Don't push people away,
they might never come back.


Thursday, January 11, 2018

Let me go.

I guess sometimes we try too hard -
To keep everything in place that it falls apart even more.


I really really really hate my life, this life.
I really hate living.
And if next lives were true, I wish I would never have one.
Because what's the point?
It's like an endless self-torture.

Everything feels so forced now.
Every word they say.
Every smile they give.
It makes me feel like what's the point of it.
Just turn your head and walk away, it'll feel better.

I want to walk away and leave.
Nothing here makes me feel alive.
Nothing here makes me feel like I belong.
So out of place I'm losing my mind.

What's worst is when you have so much to say but you have no one to talk to.
And also those words that you never manage to say every time.
Those thoughts you wish to let out but you dont know whether you should.
The realest thoughts, the realest feelings.

Nobody around me wants to listen.
They shut me off and say I'm being extra.
What they dont know is,
the hardest thing about being trapped in your mind,
is that there's no escape.

And of course the saying is true,
that people only listen when you're gone, when you leave, when you die.

Is it normal to also think about dying in your dreams?


I worth nothing,
Just let me go.


Wednesday, September 13, 2017


There's something really scary about the human mind.
It's that thoughts can go from 0-100 real quick.
It's that sometimes the human themselves can't control it.
It's that it can fall sick but no antibodies can fight it.

The more I think that I'm finally done, that I finally get comfort again,
the more I lose it, the more uncomfortable I feel.
I just want to be happy, stress-free, worry-free.
I just want to be me.
But no.
What did I do to deserve all this?
Maybe I'm just shit afterall.

I guess things never got better.
I still have thoughts of wishing to die. I just don't want to wake up for another tomorrow anymore. I don't see any point in it, its all meaningless to me.
Every day I hold and suppress back all the shitty feelings I feel that I legit have to clench a fist, scratch myself or pinch myself.
Every night when I close my eyes, I get scenes flashing by of ways to die. Fall from a building? Get hit by a car? Killed by a robber? Gunshot through the head? Jumping? Cutting? Getting extremely sick?

I don't want anymore tomorrows.
I'm done.

I guess the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.



Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Hole in the chest.

I guess I finally realised that
I was pushing people away because I didn't want to be the one that got pushed away.
The more I start to hate myself, the more I feel that nobody is gonna approve of me too.

I feel trapped and empty.
I feel like I'm not worth it.
I feel like whatever I do is just dumb as hell.
I feel like I'm drifting away from people.
I feel sad.
I feel angry.
I dont want to feel anymore.

I guess you know you're at your end when you don't feel comfortable being in your own skin, when you don't feel comfortable around the people you're closest with, when you don't feel comfortable at home, when you don't feel comfortable being around.

I keep thinking about all the dumb things I do in a day. All the wrong attempts in trying to talk to people. I think about how I really make no sense when people just shoot down my attempts in making a conversation and I think about how stupid I get when people say I'm not suitable to play a game or when people don't take my opinions seriously. Or when I accidentally say something wrong and people give me a face.

People make mistakes. But I guess my mistakes were too dumb to understand. I guess intelligence matters alot in this world. And I guess I can't live up to it. 

I always make the biggest effort to understand people as who they are, understand why they have these kind of thoughts, understand why they can't understand certain things. But all I've ever got back was people questioning me and telling me I'm wrong, judging me for who I am, then when I try to change, judging me for who I'm trying to be. People are never satisfied and I know they will never be. So I guess it's my fault for trying so hard to please everyone.

I guess its my fault.
It always is.

But what's the wrong in trying to make everyone satisfied and pleased?
I guess this is.
You end up failing yourself.

And most of the time I think I'm not as nice as people think I am, I'm not as nice as I think I am, I'm not nice. I'm not some angel either.
Expectations have killed me one too many times.
You don't have to tell me you're disappointed, I already know you are.


And this is why my screams for help never work.
Because the whole world will then tell me,
"You just think too much."


Tuesday, August 15, 2017


What do you do with the monsters that live inside you?
Cause honestly lately, its really getting out of hand.

I find myself having to hold back my feelings a lot lately.
Pressing lips.
Clenching teeth.
Deep heavy breathing.
Scratching myself.
Hitting myself.
Screaming internally loudly.
I honestly think its a problem, and it's my problem.
I'm cautious about it and I'm trying hard to control everything cause I know nobody deserves to take all this negativity inside me.
People don't need extra negativity in life. Nobody does.

And with being cautious about this, it makes me think about everything I do and say in a day and wonder whether anybody might get hurt or offended or might just think that I'm shitty.
I honestly don't know whether it's me thinking too much, thinking myself into a bad mood or its true.
Should I trust my sixth sense or should I not?
I wish people could tell me if I've been acting stupid.
I want people to tell me how I make them feel.
Cause all this guessing is driving me insane.

And when people ask me not to care, I really cant.
Cause its me being me.
I care a shit ton about anyone that has the slightest connection to me, not to mention close friends and the people I'm around everyday.

What is wrong with me.
Why am I so shitty lol.


They say don't tell your stories out loud,
but that's what makes the truth.